Real Men Don’t Read Harry Potter

Harry, your wand has obviously grown with age.

I went to see the latest Harry Potter the other week. I’ve seen them all. Right from when Daniel Radcliffe looked like a little half man, half boy, leprechaun, with a voice to match, right up until now where he looks … actually, the same I guess.

Before I anger the diehard fans out there and end up being accosted in the street with ‘arseaholeous’ spells being thrown in my direction, I must say, I really like the movies. Before watching the most recent film I went out and actually watched all of them over again. And by the end of it I actually thought for a moment I could perhaps be a wizard, until my girlfriend got over me pointing a chopstick at her and saying the word ‘clothesoffious’ with different inflections and force. Sadly I had to concede the whole notion was fantasy.

The novels by J.K. Rowling have been in the best sellers list since they first became published in 1997. That’s a bloody long time. As of a year or so ago the series had sold over 400 million copies and continues to grow as now older Potter fans re buy them for their children. Let’s see. If 400 million books have been sold, and Rowling makes about $4.60 from each book, which is about normal, she’ll have amassed a fortune of … 1.84 billion dollars. Holy snapping Jesus – that’s a lotta moolah. (Sorry for the Jesus comment, I know it’s almost Christmas)

They must be a good read. Over 400 million people can’t be wrong. But I just can’t get through one of the bloody things. Oh I’ve tried. Believe me, I’ve tried sooo hard to read through an entire one. But I can’t go the distance. I always end up pulling out at a third of the way through and tiptoe back to the bookcase looking for something with a bit more, I dunno, masculinity. Something with rough stuff, like swearing, and sex, and men fighting each other in basements.

The reason I tiptoe is because my girlfriend is constantly trying to get me to read the Harry Potter books. She loves them. She’s read them all and is now going through them all again. Every conversation we have about writing, or novels, seems to revert back to the series somehow. I know deep down she’d like me to write a fantasy novel rather than one about pubs, booze, women, and murder, but it’s just not my bag. It’s hers. Because she’s a chick. And in past Literary lectures where Rowling’s writing has been brought up, I’ve always noticed how the girls in the room would be almost jumping over their desks with praise and adoration, while the dudes would continue to drool into their note books wondering when they can finally go home and masturbate over Redtube.

And this is it – I don’t know of any other dudes who have read Harry Potter. Any of them. At All.

I don’t mean I don’t know of guys who read fantasy. Fantasy is a massive seller for nerdy bookish types who grew up playing Dungeons & Dragons, myself included, although I was never included in the games. Stupid, bullying, non inclusive nerds. Although these days I guess they’re playing World of Warcraft, or Second Life.

So the 400 million readers must be women and girls. If they’re so good why aren’t guys reading them? I can see why they’re popular. They hit every fantasy lit theory right on the nose. And Rowling is – many may disagree – a really awesome writer. She has an ease with prose that makes me want to throw my laptop out the nearest window in disgust at my own piddling confusing attempts.

Stop making mud pies and read your wizard book!

But I think there’s a rough and tumble missing that male readers are intrinsically drawn to in a story. There just aren’t enough mud pies to be thrown within the pages. Rather, there’s a maternalistic presence that follows Harry, and Ron, and Hermione around that constantly wants to rub dirt off their cheeks and read them a bed time story. And I think it’s because Rowling’s femininity can’t help but shine through. I’m not bagging female writers, however I do believe male writers more easily reach male readers, and female writers do the same for female readers. It’s just what happens.

Perhaps if Rowling had Harry standing at the gates of Hogwarts in a loin cloth screaming ‘This .. Is … Hogwarrrrts!” a la 300, maybe dudes would actually read them.

Love them? Hate them? What do you think of the books?