Spit and Spirits

Posts Tagged ‘work

Holiday in Hell: You Won’t Want to Leave

with 3 comments

You should totally check out my specials on Wotif!

For my next holiday I’m going to hell.

No seriously, I am. With all the so called ‘bad’ behaviour increasingly getting hoovered out of our lives via constant public service announcements and thousands of years worth of God praising, I reckon we need a bit of time off to suck up the sulphur fumes of Lucifer’s chalky farts and let the good times roll.

It won’t be good for us – but shit it’ll be fun.

It seems more and more people are deciding to not only take a relaxing holiday, but are also deciding to tell their holier-than-thou everyday life to get the hell out of their face for a while. Read the rest of this entry »

Advertisements

Written by Jake Fox

April 1, 2011 at 10:16 am

Procrastination & Toenail Clippings, It’s An Art Form.

with 5 comments

Crap chores are like a giant pink ban-daid.

Gidday.

So, what are you doing? Yeah, I’m talking to you. No, don’t look behind you. What are you doing right now? I’ll bet it’s interesting. It is isn’t it. C’mon tell me what you’re doing right now this very second – please tell me. Really? You’re cutting your toenails? Can I watch? Don’t you find it a bit off that cut toenails smell like dog poo? Yes they do. Well, try it then, you’ll be disgusted. Actually, you stay there cutting your toenails, and I’ll Google why our toenails smell like dog poo. And then I’ll count every hair on your head. I’ll bet you wanted to know how many you have. I’ve got nothing else I want to be doing. Nothing at all, except crawling up into a ball and screaming until some kind hearted Samaritan puts a nappy on me and tells me everything will be ok if I just get on with it and stopped fucking PROCRASTINATING!

Whoever came up with Nike’s ‘Just Do It’ slogan is a wise person. A wise, sneaker wearing long distance runner into the intricacies of our very souls. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Jake Fox

October 7, 2010 at 8:25 am

Peter Pan Syndrome: Will Staying Young Really Win Wendy’s Heart?

with 7 comments

Oh Peter, you look sorta - old.

Peter stands on the shore of Never Land, golden sword trailing through shallow water. His small, pointy leather boots slowly fill with sand and discarded cigarette butts from nearby Pirate Town. A little way off shore Wendy kneels at the stern of a small launch being paddled by men with hunched shoulders and ragged hair. The men heave their oars through the water and draw closer to an impressive ship, resplendent with polished rails and colourful flags as if heralding the arrival of the young lady. Also decked out in finery is the man waiting to greet Wendy, who watches her approach through a lengthy spyglass. His richly darkened wig falls over a coat decorated with golden amulets and pearls taken from the most experienced of seafarers and the proudest of island warriors.

On the beach, Peter wipes mucus from his nose and trails it down the front of his green tunic with the back of his hand. “I thought we were in love!” he shouts at Wendy’s retreating figure.

Wendy turns and shrugs. “That may be so, but what do you expect Peter? Hook has a boat, and power, and treasure. He’s taking me to Bora Bora!” Read the rest of this entry »

%d bloggers like this: