Spit and Spirits

Posts Tagged ‘life

Please, Let Me Kill You – Or At Least Get Angry At You a Bit

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A newly formed habit gradually creeps up on you. You wake up, pick your nose, roll it between your thumb and forefinger and drop it over the side of your bed. It’s only when you vacuum and it sounds like you’re sucking up scattered sand that you realise you’ve been rolling snot and dropping it next to your bed for pretty much as long as you can remember.

'You can relax, little one. The chiwawa is gone.'

‘You can relax, little one. The chiwawa is gone.’

Of course, probably, when you become aware of your new lazy-arsed, snot rolling and dropping habit, you’ll stop – although there will always be something satisfying about mining out a booger the size of a small cockroach. But what if you’ve formed a new habit that you just can’t shake, like wishing a stranger would outrage you enough so you can kill them? Read the rest of this entry »

Beers and Spray Tans

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'Wow, I look pretty good for 37!'

‘Wow, I look pretty good for 37!’

I’m going to tell you something I swore I wouldn’t tell anyone, ever. And to be honest, I’m a little nervous about it. However I feel this is a safe place. A place of non-judgment. Somewhere we can let it all dangle in the breeze and save our sniggering for later when we aren’t around each other. Not that I do that of course.

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Turning Into a Caveman

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Caveman Training

Are you scared yet? You should be.

I get a varied response when I tell people I go to Caveman Training. The first is usually one of confusion, understandably, and then it’s often a jump to believing I attend some kind of new-age, men’s group where we dress in nothing but a piece of bark over our junk and try to reclaim our lost masculinity. And while dressing like that does sound kind of fun, although a little drafty now that winter is drawing close, Caveman Training isn’t a new-age men’s group, it’s a place where I go for motivation, inspiration, hardship, pain, euphoria, tears, sweat, satisfaction, mateship and maybe a little bit of vomit. And the reason I’m telling you about this is because it’s changed my life. Read the rest of this entry »

Man. You’re A Real Mate

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The other day I witnessed one of the most masculine displays of emotional outpouring I’ve ever seen. That’s right, masculine and emotional. Some say those two words don’t mix, like mixed-netball and enjoyment, but after what I saw I can guarantee you they do.

To be fair to my argument the man getting all emotional was Hugh Jackman. That guy could be getting a man-Brazilian and make it look blokey – except when he dances. Stop the dancing Hugh. Stop that right now. It was during a 60 minutes interview and after being asked a few questions about his father he began to tear up. Rather than stopping or trying to hide the tears, he wiped them away and said “Sorry mate,” to the interviewer and continued on. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Jake Fox

April 4, 2013 at 9:33 am

Freebies? Are You Kidding?

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Honey? Should my new toothbrush make my teeth smoke?

Remember freebies? I’ll bet you do. They were great, weren’t they? They created loyalty, excitement, and just a little bit of alcoholism.

Not anymore though. Getting a freebie from a business these days is like trying to catch a fart in a strainer – it’s just not gonna happen.

Back in the good old days, like, 2002, I could walk into every second bar and be greeted by a smiling, beady eyed manager who would ply me full of free booze. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Jake Fox

January 16, 2012 at 11:02 pm

Say Goodbye to the Nightly Guilt Train

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"You're a shit person. A shit shit shitty shit shitty shit person!"

So, my T.V. broke a few weeks back. I know, right?! But please, calm down. No seriously, you can calm down. Stop running around your living room – or toilet or wherever, how do I know where you read stuff on your computer?! – with your arms up in the air and screaming at the absolute horror. Wow. Ok. You really are upset. Jesus Christ, CALM DOWN! It’s gonna be alright.

At the time of it actually breaking I simply stayed sitting on the couch and looked at my own reflection in the black screen for a while, hoping the team from NCIS would suddenly just reappear. They didn’t. I tried turning it off, then on, then on and off at the wall, then shook the remote and tried it all again. And that’s it. That’s all I had. I’m the first to admit the technology in my house may as well be run by magic, or tiny sexy fairies, because other than pushing a button to make it go I have absolutely no concept of how something like a television works. In the end I had to face the fact that it was indeed broken, and also that I’d never get to see who killed the latest unlucky Marine.

The thing is, the next day I didn’t race out and buy the first moving screen thingy I could find, and I still haven’t. Now three weeks on I’m starting to notice a few changes in my life. Big changes. Emotional changes. Read the rest of this entry »

Men Are Stupid

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I wanna be a caveman – they get to wear sexy dresses.

Men are stupid. Yeah, I’ve heard that sentiment before. And most of the time I’d have to agree. However in saying that, I don’t blame anyone for thinking it. Much of our behaviour can come across as childish in an I-like-to-hit-things-with-my-caveman-club kind of way.

Over the last week I’ve had two questions posed to me. The first being – ‘What is it with men and jets?’ and the second being – ‘What is it with men and ribs?’

The first question comes in context from my city’s River Fire Spectacular. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Jake Fox

September 7, 2011 at 9:46 am

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