Spit and Spirits

Posts Tagged ‘humour

Beers and Spray Tans

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'Wow, I look pretty good for 37!'

‘Wow, I look pretty good for 37!’

I’m going to tell you something I swore I wouldn’t tell anyone, ever. And to be honest, I’m a little nervous about it. However I feel this is a safe place. A place of non-judgment. Somewhere we can let it all dangle in the breeze and save our sniggering for later when we aren’t around each other. Not that I do that of course.

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Say Goodbye to the Nightly Guilt Train

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"You're a shit person. A shit shit shitty shit shitty shit person!"

So, my T.V. broke a few weeks back. I know, right?! But please, calm down. No seriously, you can calm down. Stop running around your living room – or toilet or wherever, how do I know where you read stuff on your computer?! – with your arms up in the air and screaming at the absolute horror. Wow. Ok. You really are upset. Jesus Christ, CALM DOWN! It’s gonna be alright.

At the time of it actually breaking I simply stayed sitting on the couch and looked at my own reflection in the black screen for a while, hoping the team from NCIS would suddenly just reappear. They didn’t. I tried turning it off, then on, then on and off at the wall, then shook the remote and tried it all again. And that’s it. That’s all I had. I’m the first to admit the technology in my house may as well be run by magic, or tiny sexy fairies, because other than pushing a button to make it go I have absolutely no concept of how something like a television works. In the end I had to face the fact that it was indeed broken, and also that I’d never get to see who killed the latest unlucky Marine.

The thing is, the next day I didn’t race out and buy the first moving screen thingy I could find, and I still haven’t. Now three weeks on I’m starting to notice a few changes in my life. Big changes. Emotional changes. Read the rest of this entry »

Holiday in Hell: You Won’t Want to Leave

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You should totally check out my specials on Wotif!

For my next holiday I’m going to hell.

No seriously, I am. With all the so called ‘bad’ behaviour increasingly getting hoovered out of our lives via constant public service announcements and thousands of years worth of God praising, I reckon we need a bit of time off to suck up the sulphur fumes of Lucifer’s chalky farts and let the good times roll.

It won’t be good for us – but shit it’ll be fun.

It seems more and more people are deciding to not only take a relaxing holiday, but are also deciding to tell their holier-than-thou everyday life to get the hell out of their face for a while. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Jake Fox

April 1, 2011 at 10:16 am

We’re Two Steps Away From Crazy

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Jump for crazy.

Sometimes I believe I’m two steps away from wearing a garbage bag for a shirt and yelling at cars.

The more I look around my sweaty, nudging, city the more I realise we’re all only two steps away from crazy. Every block or so I’ll see someone executing behaviour that makes me pause, and say why, for Jesus’ knickers on earth, would any normal person be doing what I’m witnessing? Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Jake Fox

March 4, 2011 at 10:05 am

Zombie Apocalypse Contingency Plan

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Finally! I thought it would never happen.

The other day my city had its annual Zombie Walk, where about ten thousand peeps dressed as the undead and staggered through the streets. An awesome sight to say the least. I didn’t realise it had been planned and rounding a corner on the scoot to see hordes of blood spattered nurses, clowns, suits, and every other character you could think of freaked the hell out of me. It seemed like everyone had zombie training or something because, man, they were selling it big time. Zombie seems to be the new vampire of the freaky deaky monster costume world. Read the rest of this entry »

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