Spit and Spirits

Posts Tagged ‘Alcohol

I Think I Hear My Youth Screaming Goodbye

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‘Hey, I’ve got your enthusiasm right here.’

We’re all getting older.

You’re now older than you were since you just read that line. Now you’re even older again. It’s unavoidable. Like a hangover, or farting in bed.

I mean, we all know we’re on a constantly ticking journey towards a tearful eulogy and eager relatives at our will reading, but there are some parts of growing older that seem to sneak up on you. You turn around and suddenly bam! Father time has kicked you in the balls and stolen a few things that you once held closely and dearly to your younger, more enthusiastic self. Read the rest of this entry »

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Holiday in Hell: You Won’t Want to Leave

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You should totally check out my specials on Wotif!

For my next holiday I’m going to hell.

No seriously, I am. With all the so called ‘bad’ behaviour increasingly getting hoovered out of our lives via constant public service announcements and thousands of years worth of God praising, I reckon we need a bit of time off to suck up the sulphur fumes of Lucifer’s chalky farts and let the good times roll.

It won’t be good for us – but shit it’ll be fun.

It seems more and more people are deciding to not only take a relaxing holiday, but are also deciding to tell their holier-than-thou everyday life to get the hell out of their face for a while. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Jake Fox

April 1, 2011 at 10:16 am

I sometimes eat breakfast after 11, and I’m a human being.

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I love breakfast, I really do. The thought of having a heaped plate smelling of bacony, eggy, tomatoey, grill greasy goodness really gets me searching for my undies. Even more so if I’ve had a big night and can’t quite remember if I ate dinner or actually did manage to stop for pizza on the stumble home. Either way, I love it, I really do.

Shit breakfasts are scary.

I stayed in Noosa recently for a wedding. Beach, seafood, booze, and ok I’ll say it – buckets of love. It was awesome. And just between you and me, enough to get the biological clock ticking. The next morning after rising late we found a suitable hipster/surfer/touristy cafe with the thought of ordering some breakfast. A big, snuffling breakfast. Nope. It was 11:45, breakfast finished at 11:30. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Jake Fox

September 7, 2010 at 10:25 pm

Tight Denim, Tyler Durden and the Dirty Thirties.

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Finding your masculinity can be damn hard for young men of today. Thanks to Father Time, you don’t find it, it finds you.

“So what do you think?”

My Girlfriend turned and looked as I stood wearing a jacket I’d picked off the rack.

“Yeah, I like it,” she said. “Sort of Tyler Durden looking.”

“Really?” We were doing some Sunday arvo shopping and had stopped at a little boutique in Paddington.

“Yes,” came the rasping verdict from the 55 year old shop assistant. “Very masculine.”

My mind started throwing around pictures of Tyler Durden, Han Solo and Aragorn. These dudes are men. I’m not a man. Since when did strangers complement me on my masculinity? I puffed my chest out and squinted a little. I guess the jacket did make me look a bit Tyler – if the light was dimmed, and if I had a chiseled haircut, and a tan, and a completely different body. Read the rest of this entry »

Don’t drink? You some kind of pussy?

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So, I don’t drink. Believe me, I would love to. But the choice has been taken away from me recently.

It’s not because I want to wow my hot yogalates instructor, and it’s not because I suffer from alcoholism. My body one day just decided it had had enough and gave me an extreme case of pancreatitis – it’s when the pancreas tries to digest itself. From now on every alcoholic drink is damaging and causes a shit load of pain. A specialist explained why alcohol specifically has this effect, but the best I can come up with in my own words is – it’s like my pancreas is the Death Star with its shields down and booze is like X-Wings on crack attacking it. Oh, and now the shields are down, they stay down. Forever. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Jake Fox

August 12, 2010 at 7:06 pm

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