Spit and Spirits

Freebies? Are You Kidding?

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Honey? Should my new toothbrush make my teeth smoke?

Remember freebies? I’ll bet you do. They were great, weren’t they? They created loyalty, excitement, and just a little bit of alcoholism.

Not anymore though. Getting a freebie from a business these days is like trying to catch a fart in a strainer – it’s just not gonna happen.

Back in the good old days, like, 2002, I could walk into every second bar and be greeted by a smiling, beady eyed manager who would ply me full of free booze. Read the rest of this entry »

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Written by Jake Fox

January 16, 2012 at 11:02 pm

Say Goodbye to the Nightly Guilt Train

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"You're a shit person. A shit shit shitty shit shitty shit person!"

So, my T.V. broke a few weeks back. I know, right?! But please, calm down. No seriously, you can calm down. Stop running around your living room – or toilet or wherever, how do I know where you read stuff on your computer?! – with your arms up in the air and screaming at the absolute horror. Wow. Ok. You really are upset. Jesus Christ, CALM DOWN! It’s gonna be alright.

At the time of it actually breaking I simply stayed sitting on the couch and looked at my own reflection in the black screen for a while, hoping the team from NCIS would suddenly just reappear. They didn’t. I tried turning it off, then on, then on and off at the wall, then shook the remote and tried it all again. And that’s it. That’s all I had. I’m the first to admit the technology in my house may as well be run by magic, or tiny sexy fairies, because other than pushing a button to make it go I have absolutely no concept of how something like a television works. In the end I had to face the fact that it was indeed broken, and also that I’d never get to see who killed the latest unlucky Marine.

The thing is, the next day I didn’t race out and buy the first moving screen thingy I could find, and I still haven’t. Now three weeks on I’m starting to notice a few changes in my life. Big changes. Emotional changes. Read the rest of this entry »

Men Are Stupid

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I wanna be a caveman – they get to wear sexy dresses.

Men are stupid. Yeah, I’ve heard that sentiment before. And most of the time I’d have to agree. However in saying that, I don’t blame anyone for thinking it. Much of our behaviour can come across as childish in an I-like-to-hit-things-with-my-caveman-club kind of way.

Over the last week I’ve had two questions posed to me. The first being – ‘What is it with men and jets?’ and the second being – ‘What is it with men and ribs?’

The first question comes in context from my city’s River Fire Spectacular. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Jake Fox

September 7, 2011 at 9:46 am

Sudden Fame and Photos of Your Junk

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‘You aint seen nothing yet, Queeny’.

It’s all over the news today that Kate Middleton’s sister, Pippa, went topless during a holiday with Kate and Will in Ibiza five years ago. There just happened to be a few (probably thousand) photographers floating around nearby to take some happy snaps.

There’s a few glaring questions; like why the hell didn’t she contemplate the amount of paps obviously around (duh), and is it actually cool to get your norgs out in front of your sister’s boyfriend? But there’s also another issue:

How do you plan for sudden fame? Read the rest of this entry »

Pink Jobs, Blue Jobs

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‘My old enemy, we meet again.’

It’s safe to say society has changed since the middle ages. We have running water, garbage trucks, and the ability to check Facebook from the comfort of our own beds. The days of brushing our teeth with charcoal and having to marry the first person we accidentally knock-up, or get knocked-up by, are way behind us. Read the rest of this entry »

I Think I Hear My Youth Screaming Goodbye

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‘Hey, I’ve got your enthusiasm right here.’

We’re all getting older.

You’re now older than you were since you just read that line. Now you’re even older again. It’s unavoidable. Like a hangover, or farting in bed.

I mean, we all know we’re on a constantly ticking journey towards a tearful eulogy and eager relatives at our will reading, but there are some parts of growing older that seem to sneak up on you. You turn around and suddenly bam! Father time has kicked you in the balls and stolen a few things that you once held closely and dearly to your younger, more enthusiastic self. Read the rest of this entry »

Holiday in Hell: You Won’t Want to Leave

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You should totally check out my specials on Wotif!

For my next holiday I’m going to hell.

No seriously, I am. With all the so called ‘bad’ behaviour increasingly getting hoovered out of our lives via constant public service announcements and thousands of years worth of God praising, I reckon we need a bit of time off to suck up the sulphur fumes of Lucifer’s chalky farts and let the good times roll.

It won’t be good for us – but shit it’ll be fun.

It seems more and more people are deciding to not only take a relaxing holiday, but are also deciding to tell their holier-than-thou everyday life to get the hell out of their face for a while. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Jake Fox

April 1, 2011 at 10:16 am

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