Spit and Spirits

Archive for the ‘Life doesn’t need to be hard’ Category

Say Goodbye to the Nightly Guilt Train

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"You're a shit person. A shit shit shitty shit shitty shit person!"

So, my T.V. broke a few weeks back. I know, right?! But please, calm down. No seriously, you can calm down. Stop running around your living room – or toilet or wherever, how do I know where you read stuff on your computer?! – with your arms up in the air and screaming at the absolute horror. Wow. Ok. You really are upset. Jesus Christ, CALM DOWN! It’s gonna be alright.

At the time of it actually breaking I simply stayed sitting on the couch and looked at my own reflection in the black screen for a while, hoping the team from NCIS would suddenly just reappear. They didn’t. I tried turning it off, then on, then on and off at the wall, then shook the remote and tried it all again. And that’s it. That’s all I had. I’m the first to admit the technology in my house may as well be run by magic, or tiny sexy fairies, because other than pushing a button to make it go I have absolutely no concept of how something like a television works. In the end I had to face the fact that it was indeed broken, and also that I’d never get to see who killed the latest unlucky Marine.

The thing is, the next day I didn’t race out and buy the first moving screen thingy I could find, and I still haven’t. Now three weeks on I’m starting to notice a few changes in my life. Big changes. Emotional changes. Read the rest of this entry »

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Dear Lack of Confidence

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Feel the confidence. Feel it right in your bright red undies.

Dear Lack of Confidence,

I hope your day is going well. I’m just dropping you a line because I believe we have some long awaited issues to discuss, and it’s always easier to write it out, rather than talk about it over coffee, or a beer. Discussions such as this have the ability to suddenly turn into a public outburst of defensiveness and fear, which I’m sure you wouldn’t want on display.

I guess I should just get to the point of why I’m writing instead of hedging my words, I know how infuriating that can be – sorry, I’m doing it again. The reason I’m writing to you, Lack of Confidence, is that I know we’ve been part of each other’s lives for as long as we can both remember, but I feel I’m outgrowing you.

This is going to hurt, and I apologize, but you haven’t been the best friend over the last 35 years. Read the rest of this entry »

Cheap Beer and Pizza – Am I in Heaven?

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A heavenly sight.

Is there cheap beer and pizza in heaven? You would think so. However I assume heaven would also be extremely pure, so maybe there’s only lentils and wheat grass juice on offer.

But, you don’t have to make a drastic life change such as that to find awesome cheap beer and pizza – you just have to go to Melbourne.

Recently I went to Melbourne for a week to attend a relative’s art exhibition. And I tell you, when it comes to finding a good deal for food and booze – I Was Blown … Away. Read the rest of this entry »

Zombie Apocalypse Contingency Plan

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Finally! I thought it would never happen.

The other day my city had its annual Zombie Walk, where about ten thousand peeps dressed as the undead and staggered through the streets. An awesome sight to say the least. I didn’t realise it had been planned and rounding a corner on the scoot to see hordes of blood spattered nurses, clowns, suits, and every other character you could think of freaked the hell out of me. It seemed like everyone had zombie training or something because, man, they were selling it big time. Zombie seems to be the new vampire of the freaky deaky monster costume world. Read the rest of this entry »

Music Snobs

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Say no to saying no to music.

I’ve listened to a lot of music. More specifically, I’ve listened to a lot of music I don’t like.

Years of previously working in commercial radio and as a pub DJ has made me quite immune to the feeling you get when a song or genre rears up that isn’t to your personal taste. Sometimes I feel my love of music has been slowly whittled away until finally the 1294th time I hear a cover band play Love Shack it will just extinguish all together and I’ll never listen to music for enjoyment ever again. Read the rest of this entry »

Procrastination & Toenail Clippings, It’s An Art Form.

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Crap chores are like a giant pink ban-daid.

Gidday.

So, what are you doing? Yeah, I’m talking to you. No, don’t look behind you. What are you doing right now? I’ll bet it’s interesting. It is isn’t it. C’mon tell me what you’re doing right now this very second – please tell me. Really? You’re cutting your toenails? Can I watch? Don’t you find it a bit off that cut toenails smell like dog poo? Yes they do. Well, try it then, you’ll be disgusted. Actually, you stay there cutting your toenails, and I’ll Google why our toenails smell like dog poo. And then I’ll count every hair on your head. I’ll bet you wanted to know how many you have. I’ve got nothing else I want to be doing. Nothing at all, except crawling up into a ball and screaming until some kind hearted Samaritan puts a nappy on me and tells me everything will be ok if I just get on with it and stopped fucking PROCRASTINATING!

Whoever came up with Nike’s ‘Just Do It’ slogan is a wise person. A wise, sneaker wearing long distance runner into the intricacies of our very souls. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Jake Fox

October 7, 2010 at 8:25 am

Peter Pan Syndrome: Will Staying Young Really Win Wendy’s Heart?

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Oh Peter, you look sorta - old.

Peter stands on the shore of Never Land, golden sword trailing through shallow water. His small, pointy leather boots slowly fill with sand and discarded cigarette butts from nearby Pirate Town. A little way off shore Wendy kneels at the stern of a small launch being paddled by men with hunched shoulders and ragged hair. The men heave their oars through the water and draw closer to an impressive ship, resplendent with polished rails and colourful flags as if heralding the arrival of the young lady. Also decked out in finery is the man waiting to greet Wendy, who watches her approach through a lengthy spyglass. His richly darkened wig falls over a coat decorated with golden amulets and pearls taken from the most experienced of seafarers and the proudest of island warriors.

On the beach, Peter wipes mucus from his nose and trails it down the front of his green tunic with the back of his hand. “I thought we were in love!” he shouts at Wendy’s retreating figure.

Wendy turns and shrugs. “That may be so, but what do you expect Peter? Hook has a boat, and power, and treasure. He’s taking me to Bora Bora!” Read the rest of this entry »

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