Spit and Spirits

I Think I Hear My Youth Screaming Goodbye

with 2 comments

‘Hey, I’ve got your enthusiasm right here.’

We’re all getting older.

You’re now older than you were since you just read that line. Now you’re even older again. It’s unavoidable. Like a hangover, or farting in bed.

I mean, we all know we’re on a constantly ticking journey towards a tearful eulogy and eager relatives at our will reading, but there are some parts of growing older that seem to sneak up on you. You turn around and suddenly bam! Father time has kicked you in the balls and stolen a few things that you once held closely and dearly to your younger, more enthusiastic self. And it’s not just the ability to get it up multiple times in a row – that still happens, right lads?!

As a younger man, say in my early twenties, I found it almost inconceivable when an older acquaintance – not friend, boring! – tilted their head to one side like a whimsical South African sloth and remarked ‘actually, I haven’t been out on the town for ages. Can’t even remember the last time really’. This seemed totally foreign to me. At the time going out on the town was like oxygen. I had to suck it down constantly in the hope that I didn’t miss out on something and shrivel and die.

Over ten years later, and yeah, I haven’t been out on the town for ages. Can’t even remember the last time really.

How the hell did this happen? Without even realising it, some kind of pre-programmed human trait has slowly ebbed my youthful exuberance for going out on the town right from under my nose. It made me realise there are quite a few youthful enterprises I now have no – or at least less – interest in pursuing.

Here are a few:

Cigarettes: I had a completely dysfunctional relationship with ciggies for well over a decade. Anyone who does, or has smoked knows what I’m talking about. I see younger dudes at work carelessly sucking them back with the knowledge they probably don’t need to quit for a good ten years. Bastards. I’d love to have that freedom. Actually, no I don’t, I hate cigarettes. But they’re so great with beer and conversation! I love them! No wait, I fucking hate them! In the end I had to decide between my pancreas or continuing to smoke darbs.

Living in a bachelor’s pad full of blokes: There’s no way I could go back to those days. This didn’t so much creep up. Rather, I had an epiphany one clingy summer afternoon when I brought home a girl only to find my housemates doing bucket bongs at the kitchen table. The house stunk of moist weed and stale stoner’s breath. Needless to say it didn’t work out between her and me. Anyway, she turned out to be a slightly mentally unstable floozy with rampant daddy syndrome, who would bang anything with testicles and a smile. So a small win for me in the end.

Bogans and music festivals. They go together like strippers and self-worth

Going to music festivals or seeing bands: Music festivals used to be one of the most exciting parts of my life. The first time I went to a music festival I couldn’t believe that I had been waisting my time by not going to music festivals. They were the shit. For one, there was the music all in one place. Second there were the people, every one of them amped and excited to be at a music festival. And three to a thousand there was getting F.U.B.A.R.’ed with a bunch of friends surrounded by all that music and thronging festival meat. They were my nirvana. These days though I’m constantly telling younger acquaintances that, nah, I’m not going to whatever festival they’re currently slobbering over. I feel like I’ve done my festival time. They’re hot, and expensive, and now you can only drink mid-strength beer which costs $11.50 a can, and the amount of screaming, spitting, bogans that frequent them are now way out of control. Also, I’m just not really a ‘fan’ of musicians anymore. I mean, I like music, but I don’t feel the need to run up to the stage hoping some of their cool will rub off on me, or they’ll let me give them a blowy in their trailer. Musicians are usually just douche bags who know how to play the guitar. Not all, but most. I don’t feel they deserve my adoration, or the $170 to go and see them act like douche bags.

Promiscuity: To a young guy this is akin to religion. There’s always the hopeful thought of picking up. Always. Before I go on I need to say I’m now happily engaged to be married and have been in a monogamous relationship for over five years, so of course this one has disappeared. If I wasn’t in a relationship maybe I’d feel differently, but most guys in their thirties who constantly try to pick up just come across like creepy uncles with modern haircuts. I worked in a pub for years and these guys stood out like sore, wrinkled thumbs with big capital L’s on their foreheads. It’s not like my testosterone count has waned or anything, I’m now just happy to get-some from my future wife when I can, and when she allows me, like if I’ve done a good job on the dishes and taken the rubbish out.

Anyway, these are a few things that I’ve somehow given up while I’ve slowly eased into a more slipper friendly state of being.

Some others are no longer sleeping in, no longer wanting a suped-up car, and no longer wearing thongs. What are some things you’ve given up since becoming older?


2 Responses

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  1. Never thongs!! Dancing my heart out in public (not always a good look and you embarrass the heck out of your kids) weddings are the exception of course – especially your son’s wedding. Bikinis – and gone are the days of topless bathing at Byron. Great blog Jake … Bagus!


    April 21, 2011 at 4:21 pm

  2. I WISH my husband would give up thongs! He did not get that memo and Ive been slapping him upside the head with it for just on a decade now. I’m with you on the music festivals though and frankly the ‘slightly mentally unstable floozy with rampant daddy syndrome, who would bang anything with testicles and a smile’ sounds like a near-miss and all, but probably would have made an awesome blog post. That’s the problem with being grown up and responsible, there’s just not as much to write about.

    An Observant Mind

    June 28, 2011 at 6:24 pm

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